Being a good wife.

Fscmidt,

A mutual friend of ours suggested I ask you this question.  Sadly, I think everything is in process but maybe you have some ideas on how to make it better.

In 1999, my mother had a spinal chord injury at around T5/T6.  It wasn't a complete injury so she has some limited function back but she is still a paraplegic.  My parents are father, 73 and mother 70.  My father is having to undergo surgery on his leg due to grave circulation problems.  I don't think he can continue to care for my mother or even himself.  Additionally, my husband's mother had a brain tumor 3 years ago and has cognitive difficulties.  Although she has two sons who live less than 2 hours away - we are her medical power of attorneys because her sons have turned their back on her.  All of our family lives in the same state.

We are planning to move back to our home state late this year or early next.  However, it appears that I must leave here and go there just to get a handle on things.  My husband heartily approves.  We plan to move to our hometown and be together as quickly as possible.

I feel bad that I am sacrificing his comfort and security and access to his wife in order to do this.  Can you think of anything I should be willing to do for him to help him process this time of separation?  One of the guys suggested giving him a 'hall pass' (ie. see other women).  

What is your opinion?

Ember
Married 22 years.

I think the best option would be to divide your time, spending some time taking care of the parents and some time with your husband.

I personally don't think it is a good idea for a husband to date other women.  Other women can cause trouble.  Just watch the movie Fatal Attraction.  If you feel comfortable with your husband meeting his sexual needs elsewhere, I would recommend giving him a 'prostitution pass' since this cannot harm your marriage.

The substantial distance combined with the lack of financial resources will limit our interaction.  Also the amount of care needed is very substantial.  I don't know if you've worked with elderly, fragile patients.

I would be heart broken if he were to find alternate methods of sexual release with other women.   Not because I am against prostitution but because I would feel as though my value was significantly diminished.

If you don't feel comfortable with "alternate methods of sexual release with other women" then just don't give him a pass.  But I think you are wrong about this diminishing your value.  The value of a wife is much more than just sex.  Of course there is an asymmetry here because it isn't acceptable for a wife to meet her needs with other men.  The reason for this is that women have a limited number of eggs, representing her reproductive capacity, while men have a virtually unlimited number of sperm, representing his reproductive capacity.  This is why men are not choosy in who they have sex with.  A man never considers the question of whether one woman or another is a better candidate for sex because he will generally want both.  But a woman always considers the comparative level of attraction when choosing a sexual partner.  So the point is that a husband having sex with another woman doesn't diminish the value of his wife at all.  But in the end, you should do what you feel comfortable with.

And no matter how far apart you are, I think you should try to visit your husband once in a while.

In a different thread you said this:

In other countries, prostitution is a reasonable option.  So men aren't nearly as undersexed.  This also applies to married men because a wife will be much less likely to withhold sex if she knows that her husband can easily get it somewhere else.  Much the same applies here in El Paso where prostitution is available just across the border and where there are plenty of Mexican women ready to take a frigid wife's place.

Do you think I'm just being irrational?

Oh, and we will try as much as possible to visit.

I don't see how this quote is relevant.  Your case isn't a case of you being with your husband and witholding sex.

I also don't think you are being irrational because the issue here is emotion which isn't based on rationality.  But I would encourage you to rethink the idea of your value being diminished.  Sometimes thinking things through can cause a change in emotion.

I am no longer in my prime.  I am over 40 and my 'market value' is not comparable to what I'm sure he can get on the free market.  I am afraid I would always, therefore, be a disappointment to him.  Yes, I maintain my health but I can not undo what 22 years has done to my body.

It is an unfortunate effect of feminist culture that women tend to think only in terms of shallow physical attractiveness.  This is not the only cause of attraction.  My wife is over 40 and if I had to make an exclusive choice between sex with her and sex with a lot of young women, I would choose my wife.  The reason is clearly not physical, it is an attraction based on the bond of marriage.  And in fact all successful men have this choice, all have the option to dump their wife and chase other women.  Modern shallow men may choose the other women, but traditional men will generally be more attracted to their wife.  So if you have a traditional husband, you have no reason to feel insecure.

I think he's old fashioned that way.  We still do enjoy an active sex life.  I guess that my fidelity and faithfulness is extremely strongly ingrained in me.  I do not even tolerate the appearance of impropriety.  

Maybe I just don't understand how he would possibly prefer me to someone much better, younger, etc.  Or why he would come back.  

I am so sad tonight.  I have too many responsibilities to give up or check out but if I didn't wake up tomorrow through fate... I don't think I'd mind.

As an update, we have decided that I will simply visit and then return home to him.  I think we'll be much happier that way.

I think that is a good decision.